and you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this kind and clear
just the chance that maybe we'll find better days
cos i dont need boxes wrapped in strings
and desire love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

so take these words and sing out loud
cos everyone is forgiven now
cos tonight's the night the world begins again




Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls.



i was listening to the song and realised i could sorta relate to it.
hmm.




yesterday was a kinda bad day.
we had the boxing thing first period.
tofu was so damn gay okay, haha.
and she was looking for people to stand on tables with her on aces day.
haha too overly enthu already.



chem was suckyo.
wasnt really paying attention to ms ho
but i was writing in my erm book.
and the tears just came..
then my mood became suckyo as well.
so i just spent the whole period burying my head beneath my arms.
and it dragged all the way to bio period.



i went to the toilet and spent about 15 mins there.
and i wasnt exactly in the toilet,
i was just standing at the railing area.
for i dont know what apparent reason.
and the tears just flowed down again.
god, i wanted to rip my heart open.



recess was the teacher's day rehearsal.
we screwed up really badly, being unprepared and everything.
and i mean, after all
the outcome of the dance does reflect on me jamie zan and shi hua
cos we're the oldest out of the whole contemp group.
and i dont want to be reflected as a good for nothing senior.
or dancer.
or whatever.
yeah, you get my point.



yada yada the day went by quite fast.
after school, had contemp practice.
i was so bloody tired oh my god.
there were a few times when i just plonked myself on the floor cos i was so dead.
and i felt like i needed to get away from all of this.
yeah, i do.
but i hope i dont give up.
okay what am i talking about?!
i wont.




sigh, i've got disgusting marks.
and im irritated that i've got disgusting marks.
and im irritated by the fact that im irritated that i've got disgusting marks.



the thing is, i WANT to do well, and throughout this whole term,
my work has not been meeting my expectations. at all.
i know my term3 marks are dropping.
and i cant pretend that i dont care.
bcos no matter how much i go on and on about
how marks are just numbers on a piece of paper
and we all know how numbers are self-serving,
i do care.



not bcos i wanna get good marks for the sake of getting them,
but as a student, i have nothing but marks
to gauge my standard
and who doesnt want to be of a high standard?



and i also know very well that even if you put in all the effort in the world,
the results you get at the end of the day may not reflect that.
i know that painful fundamental truth about life.
but knowledge doesn't make it less painful
or less irritating or less bothersome.




gosh, i hate ranting.
but it is something thats bothering me
so i might as well get it off my chest.
sorry for listening to my rubbish.




i keep falling,
and falling,
and falling,
and falling,



but i don't want you to be there to catch me.



like how i used to.
i didn't catch you,
i just stopped your fall.



no, let me fall.



you should.



i need to learn.



maybe you could stand by, silently, motionlessly.
you could watch me fall.
watch me get hurt.
over and over and over again.
and then maybe, you could help me up.
i don't think i would want you to,
but i don't know what i want most of the time,
so don't trust me.



but i really don't want you to catch me.
do you know?



maybe i don't want you to
bcos i'm so used to it,
that i've grown comfortable,
so comfortable that i'm afraid.
afraid,
of how you wouldn't want to be there any more.



so i'd rather get used to it now.
you know,
after all,
it's falling.
i've fallen many times.
and you know, each time it hurts,
i'll flinch.
and once i get the reaction i want from people,
i'll just stand up.
not cos i want to.
but because i have to.



i'm also afraid,
of how i won't fall in your direction anymore.
because,
i don't want you to get hurt.



i want to be unpredictable.
you know, bcos i wanna be special.
despite the fact that i know thats never gonna happen.




look at me then look away.
why dont you just stay.